So, on the recent (October 2008) UK Tour, Sarah, our lovely merch girl, set up some post-boxes. One was for secrets. The other was suggestions for band names for Matt, Ben, Nigel and Tarrant, my erstwhile musical companions, generally in the form "Frank Turner and...". This is what we came home with in the box. First up, there's the screamingly obvious school of comedy: Million Dead Dive Dive Next, we move onto funny suggestions that verge on being tour in-jokes (apologies): The Mates Rates The Suggestion Box The People Who Follow Him Around On Tour The Deaf Musicians The Other Guys The Turnerettes The Hitler Youth The Nigel Powell Quintet (possibly not with "Frank Turner &.." at the front) There were a few hilarious puns on my surname... Frank n Turner Overdrive Frank & The Turner Prize Frank Turner & Hooch The Tinas Some people used some lyrics for inspiration. I actually quite like some of these. The Suspicious Fashion Decisions Invisible Llamas The Fat Romantic Slobs The Sinking Sense Of Shame One or two people got all talkative and told a little story with their suggestions: "I suggest you call yourself The Ranch, because since we were about 12 we called ourselves that and followed you. We got arrested because of you the other day." "My friend Joe the Slovak looks like Mr Powell. He got fired from work for crashing a lorry in the courtyard and now I'm the only cool person at work. How about Frank Turner and the Slovak Wagon Disaster." I thought I'd include a little section here for suggestions that were both serious and quite good. Whatever next? The Give-A-Damns (as in Frankly my dear I don't...) Edelweiss Pirates The Labour Party (hahaha) Nearing the end, we have a selection of out-and-out comedy. Judge the quality for yourself. This is the best of, remember... Crouching Woman Hidden Cucumber Monkey Jesus The Bearded Thieves The Fudge Packers The Scrotums The Ball-Tickling Tangerine Trio Colin Something Foreign And Pretentious The Cock & Balls Band Lesbian Tango Bandits (This was Emily Barker's favourite) Last but by no means least, we have this winner! "Sorry Frank, but I've followed your solo career since the first post-MD show. I've always enjoyed your live shows and albums, but you've lost the plot, lost your soul. My suggestion for band name is The Cunting Crows. £10 for this shit? Fuck yourself." ...To which I can only reply by quoting Propagadhi: "It just makes us laugh, we got your cash, court jesters take a bow." I do hope he comes along next time. I spent the £10 on hairspray.