WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR CHRISTMAS? So the Christmas List bonanza is now closed for entries. Happy Christmas everyone, you should all be happily downloading around now. The songs will stay up until New Year's Eve when they will disappear into the ether. After that you'lll just have to hold out for the album on January 15th. As promised, I'm going to post up some of the best Christmas lists I got sent. The principle of doing this anonymously is even more vital than I thought it was going to be, it turns out... you guys are some sick puppies. I was going to do a top 10, but there were so many good ones, and anyways, it's not like it's going to take up that much space. So here are my favourite 25, grouped into different categories for your reading pleasure... The Mundane "The whereabouts of my keys." "Christmas without my Aunt punching my mum after she has made Christmas dinner, and without my grandparents comparing ailments and trying to guess who will die first, and without my aunt bringing her usual ASDA ready made food that tastes like a cat has shat in a tin foil box and then shrink wrapped it, that she always forces us to eat. Actually fuck it. I want a new bike." "Could you tell my friend Ryan that he is a cunt." "It appears that there's been some confusion in the past regarding presents addressed to myself. Let me elaborate; last year, you sent me a pair of hair straighteners, the year before, I received a pony, and the year before that, a pink showercap. Now, while these items are all fairly acceptable gifts, I would like to remind that I am not only male, but also straight. As a ruler, no less. I do not consider these to be particularly masculine presents for such a glorious time of year - may I make some suggestions? This year, maybe a football, a six-pack of beer, or a pair of novelty rubber breasts may prove more appropriate." "My bladder isn't what it used to be." The Lists "A zebra and some LSD." (Fuck yes) "2-pack of assorted women, preferably size Small to Medium." "Dog, vaseline, bubblewrap." "Some sweets, My Little Pony Magazine, Industrial Lubricant, Shovel, Girls Panties-ages 7-9 years, Shovel." (Christ) "A couple of very attractive eastern-european girls, preferably with employment in a branch of Cafe Nero, who won't mind if I get an overwhelming urge to superglue my cock to their faces... And a one-way ticket to Japan, should the authorities take a dislike to my 'overwhelming urge'." The Sexual Stuff "For Christmas I want... a titwank." "For christmas I demand an edible cock ring because I am a sexual spastic." (What? Seriously, what the fuck?) "A penis that doesn't resemble a Walnut Whip (Fun-Size)." "I'd like not to have deleted the photos of my ex-girlfriend engaging in explicit sex-acts. I did this out of respect for her, before we broke up, before I found out how much of a vicious bitch she was and before she fucked me over." "Either a vibrator which can snuggle or a guy with a rotating wang." The Geographical Stuff (?) "Ownership of something with a small value (Wales would be nice)." "A paddling pool full of Jagermeister with a nice West Country lass in it." "Scotland, not including Aberdeen (they can keep it)." "A cure for Welsh accents." (aww) "I'd like simeone to do my disseration for me, its on the perception of public transport in Leeds." (No) Miscellaneous Weirdness "A tattoo that says 'I cant believe I wasted an hour of my life getting this'." "Please santa can I have that bloody red bike my parents promised me for the last 15 years ago, a new leg for my brother as his current one doesn't like him, someone willing to pay my rent and a french knicker set which includes a female to wear it and take it off when required." (Eh?) "helllo i am jonjo, and i live in a cardboard box, i like to watch the children play in the park. but now nasty men in uniforms beat me if i sit on bench, so for christmas i would like some special magnifying glasses because the up the tree the children are so small compared to the bench." (I didn't bother correcting the spelling / grammar on this one, it seemed perfect as it is) ...And, The Winner I got sent this little poem, and the effort involved must have been gargantuan, plus it just rules. So congratulations to the author of this one, and I hope you get your Christmas wish. "Christmas is coming, the press are fucking twats, I'd like some heroin and not a woolly hat. My mother always told me, if I didn't eat my sprouts Santa wouldn't come, and she'd kick me out the house. So all I'd like this Christmas, is laser surgery So I can see, through my eyes, far more properly." Obviously, I'm not actually going to be granting anyone's wishes myself, although I do know someone who lives in Lapland (for real) and apparently every Christmas the local adolescent population get seasonal jobs answering the santa mail that makes it out there, which makes you think. Also, the following requests were the most common and a bit crap: "Million Dead to reform hur hur." Fuck off. "My two front teeth." Yawn. "World Peace." Fuck that. Props to the person who sent an extended essay on why that was a bad idea (peace in Burma / Nazi Germany etc.). "You, Frank." Very flattered. But no. Season's Motherfucking Greetings, roll on 2007.